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I feel like I've been an afterthought this past week, while Dragon was away at a conference. Sure, his location had spotty wifi, and sure, I'm just the girlfriend, but I would have appreciated a little more acknowledgement of my existence than a couple of group messages to Kitty and I to update us on what he's up to and the occasional Facebook sticker. He pretty much left me here with Kitty, and my job was to prop her up while she struggled intensely with Dragon's absence. All her conversations were either about how anxious she was with Dragon gone, or how much she missed him and how it was so hard to be without him. I like Kitty, but this week was hard.

Today Dragon came back home - he wanted me to take a half day off work to accompany Kitty when she picked him up at the airport, but I couldn't take the time off work - I'm so behind on so many things at the office. Kitty and Dragon came over when they got back to town, and while there was some snuggling for everyone, it felt like I was the afterthought, again. I told them I could wait until the weekend, but Dragon wanted to see me today, so... I felt like the third wheel on their "oh my god I missed you so much" post-trip cuddle session.

Not exactly a happy Casse right now.

Although I do have a Dash snoring softly next to me, and a cat purring on my pillow, so life isn't exactly all that bad right now.

I'm just frustrated and hurting a little, and trying to figure out how to communicate that to Dragon. I told Dash about it, no problem, and he's been supportive and understanding. But he's not the one I have problems with.

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What can I do that no-one else can do...

Maybe I've been watching too much Steven Universe lately. Maybe I'm projecting my own thoughts and feelings into what's essentially a kids show... but whatever the case may be, there's something that won't leave my mind, and it's been rattling around in my head for a few days, so here I am.

There's an episode of Steven Universe where Greg and Rose Quartz sing a duet together, a song called "What Can I Do For You". The lyrics for the chorus go...

What can I do for you
What can I do that no-one else can do
What can I do for you
What can I do for you

It's pretty simple, but it's caught in my brain, especially when it comes to Dragon. After all he's got Kitty. What, really, can I do that she doesn't already give to him? I know it's the irrational part of me saying that, probably the damn anxiety speaking, but the thought is there.

During the song, Greg looks at Rose Quartz with so much awe in his eyes, so much wonder,and later on, some trepidation. I feel like him, so exposed and a little scared, wondering if my feelings are really reciprocated, much like Greg feels in that episode. And Dragon is my Rose Quartz - fascinating and strange and unknown, and almost just out of reach, despite being there, being my significant other. He's something amazing, and I'm always afraid he's going to slip out of my grasp. Just like Greg, with Rose Quartz.

And I wonder, what can I do for you, Dragon? What can I do that no-one else can do?
Jessica - True Blood


So, things with Dragon are still relatively new.  We've been together for a little over two months at this point.  We've been expanding our boundaries, sexually anyway, bit by bit - and recently got to the poing where Dash is okay if Dragon leaves love bites or other marks on me (among other activities, anyway).  Dragon left a little love bite on my boob yesterday, and after some shyness about it, I eventually showed Dash.  And he went "Ooooh, cool!" And then grabbed my boobs.

Which was a much, much better response than I'd expected, or been trained to receive due to experiences with the ex-husband.

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So having such a positive response to something sexual, tame as it is, from Dash?  Helped heal a lot of the shit that ex-husband did, even in that small gesture of saying "ooh cool" and grabbing my tits.  And the fact that he's actually feeling compersion for me, that's something new and almost overwhelmingly wonderful.  And Dragon is happy that I'm happy that Ross is happy, and then Kitty was happy about Dragon being happy, and all that compersion exploded into some happy times of varying types for all of us last night, hahaha.  Which leads to a very happy Casse this morning.

Seriously hoping things continue to stay this wonderful.  I mean, I know there'll be arguments, and my anxiety/depression will get the better of me from time to time, but in general?  I want to keep being able to communicate easily with my partners.  I want to keep feeling these wonderful fuzzy warm feelings.
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Amusing little moment from yesterday.

Dragon and I went out to lunch, as we tend to do most days, and we decided lunch would be at the mall - after eating, we wandered off to Target to look at My Little Pony toys, as we tend to do when we eat at the mall.  Somehow we ended up at the Frozen toys (Dash loves Frozen, heheh), and Dragon ended up picking up a little figurine for Dash for his desk.  On the way back to the car, I mused to him, "Today was very much a poly moment.  Oh, I went to lunch with my boyfriend, who then picked up a present for my husband while we were out! I love it."  Dragon laughed and responded with "Yeah, and my girlfriend made a blanket for my wife, so now my wife is making a blanket for my girlfriend!  What a world!"

I love these little poly moments.  They make me super happy.
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Almost two years later...

It really has been almost two years since I've posted here, hasn't it? Crazy.

And a lot of crazy shit has happened in the two years since I've posted. Like, time to break out the bulleted list lots.

  • Husband is now ex-husband.  Long story involving him pretty much ditching me for Red (who I no longer speak to, mostly because she no longer treated me like an adult, despite her own irresponsible nature), him being a narcissist who put everything before me, and him trying to twist everything wrong about our relationship back onto me while making himself out to be the good guy.  Even tried to claim he was supportive of me while I was dating M (which he was not) and when M and I had that sexual health scare (he threatened to divorce me).  Yeah.  I put up with ex-husband's crap for far too long.

  • Dash and I eloped.  Yup.

  • Dating a new guy, and... sort of dating his wife too?  I'm not entirely sure where things are at with her.  Much happiness abounds.  Dash even likes them.  THE CAT even likes them.  I'll refer to them as Dragon and Kitty in here.

  • Back on speaking terms with M!  Like, good speaking terms.  Guess we needed to just let things sort themselves out.

  • Sort of talking to Boy.  Sort of.  He gets weirder and weirder as time goes by.  Dash's mom refered to him as "the weird old guy who comments on your Facebook stuff".  I had to tell her Boy's only two years older than I am. Heh.

Things are pretty damn good now, after a period of time where things were very, very shitty.  I don't really want to get into it all now, but I'm sure it'll all come out sooner or later.  But yeah.  Things are good.
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In a couple days, Hubby, Red, Dash, and I are finally moving into that townhouse. There are some financial frustrations that have me pissed off, mostly due to Hubby and Red not having money for rent/bills, but no amount of yelling/etc will make it better.

Dash and I have been together for six months today. And in a week, it'll have been a year since we first met. It's crazy, thinking about where we are today, and how when we met at GenCon last year and kept running into each other we had no idea what the future had in store for us. It's kinda mind boggling. And amazing. Neither of us ever thought we'd find someone who fit us so well...

One last Boy story, and then hopefully there will be nothing else about him here: Boy recently moved to Wisconsin. The day before he moved, I'm guessing, I come home to a package leaning by my front door - a book carefully wrapped in bubble wrap. I open it up - and it's a copy of a Patrick Rothfuss book I'd been wanting. And it's signed. And there's a note inside from Boy, saying he'd been meaning to get this to me in March or May (which was after we broke up, so either way would have been stupidly awkward), but since he was moving, he couldn't hold off any longer. He reminded me he loves me one last time, and you have no idea how frustrated I am with the fact that he just cannot get over me. It's been six months. The fact that he's now living out of state makes me feel so much better.

Going to see Ash at GenCon. Not sure how I feel about this - part of me is excited to see someone from my undergrad days again, since it's been about four or five years since I've seen any of my undergrad friends. However, Ash also falls into the "crazy/emotionally abusive ex boyfriend" category, and while he's decidedly less crazy and abusive, there's still that history. You just can't erase the fact that he tried to literally toss me out of his dorm room once, or that he only called me "woman" or "bitch" for an entire month. Dash is all "I don't get why you even keep people who treated you like that in your life". I'm not sure why either - but honestly, he hasn't done anything dickish to me since he started talking to me again, so I feel as long as I keep him at arm's length, I'll be okay.

Will say this - I'd much rather run into Ash at GenCon than Boy.
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The pieces keep falling together

Dash is moving in with us (hubby, Red, and myself) in a couple of weeks. And in just under 2 months, we're going to move to a bigger place. And so what if Dash and I have only been together just over four months? It feels right. It feels incredibly right.

Dash even got a new scooter a month or two ago, we all go riding together. And when I'm feeling depressed or anxious, Dash is right there, understanding what's going on in my head, because he's so very much like me. I never thought I'd actually like being with someone so similar to me, personality wise. I figured if I ever did find that someone, we'd annoy the shit out of each other within a week. But no- our similarities just made it easier to fall in love, and let us skip right past the "learn about my partner's personality" stage and get right to the fun stuff.

Boy still tries to contact me. I've blocked him everywhere - so he took to emailing me. Thank the gods for email filters.

M is now officially working in my office building. He hounds me about drinking too much coffee, that it exacerbates my anxiety. I told him he's full of it. I don't think he took it well. I don't care.

Having a somewhat anxious night, though. No idea why, just riding it out on my own...
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Really horrible at updating this thing.

Bulleted list time.  Because... yeah.  A lot has happened in the past three months.

  • Broke up with Boy.  Which is a long story in and of itself.

    • Remember how I said we were going to live together, Hubby, Red, Boy, and I? Well, there were quite a few red flags popping up once we made that decision. He didn't take part in the actual process of finding a house. And when we did find one we liked, well, he didn't even come look at it with Hubby, Red, and I. When we said "yeah, we're gonna sign a lease" he said he didn't have time to go when we did, and to just "sign it without me, I'll go sign it later." That shot up a huge red flag, especially considering the week before he'd told me that he hadn't even signed the lease on his current apartment. That, combined with the fact that he wasn't even partaking in the house hunting process, frustrated the fuck out of me. And all that, in conjunction with some habits of his that I doubted would go over well with the other two, led to me saying "maybe we should find different living situations". And that's where shit fell apart.

    • We spent a week arguing.  AN ENTIRE WEEK.  He kept trying to convince me to let him live with us, kept spewing passive-aggressive barbs at me aimed specifically to make me feel bad.  Not gonna slog through chat logs and stuff to pull it all out, but he pretty much said he didn't believe that I trusted him at all (where really, I just wasn't sure this was going to be a good living situation and decided I'd avoid future frustrations), along with a bunch of other hurtful things.  Then pulled a 180 out of nowhere and said "oh I do believe you trust me now", and a bunch of other stuff.  It was an incredibly frustrating and hurtful week, that ended with he and I breaking up.

    • Which led to him posting many many depressing Facebook statuses about me, including one on Valentines Day about a ring he thought about buying me, a recent one about how the sound of scooters going by the house makes him depressed, etc.  That last one was when I decided "no, I can't have him on my friends list on Facebook anymore" and hid him.  Unfriending him outright would probably have made shit worse.  He's been trying to get me to spend time with him, even attempted to get me to come over to his house with the promise of a "surprise", but I'm not comfortable with going over to his house without backup from Red or Hubby.

    • So, yes.  tl;dr - Relationship explosion.

  • While I was in the process of dealing with a relationship explosion with Boy... someone else came into my life.  Well, not so much came into my life as I chased him down at GenCon for a picture last year, then found him on OK Cupid in December, where we then proceeded to talk a lot, then I met him for coffee in January, then watched ponies together a few days later, and we then proceeded to fall very, very hard for each other.  I'll call him Dash.  Dash was not quite sure how he felt about my polyamorous status when we started thinking "hey, maybe we could date" - but he decided that he wanted to give things a try.  I was still dating Boy at the time, and I didn't think I could handle having three significant others, but... something about Dash made me want to try.  Hard.  And I'm glad I did - because holy lord are we compatible for each other.  We're practically clones, personality-wise.  I could go on and on about him, but I'll save it for another entry.  But yes, we fell hard and fast for each other.

  • Hubby actually LIKES Dash.  And considers him a friend.  And considers him FAMILY.  How freaking perfect is this?  The four of us - Hubby, Red, Dash, and I, we all fit together like pieces of a puzzle.  It's almost unbelievable.

  • M is going to be living in the same town as me much sooner than next summer, once they find someone to replace him at his job.  Considering he's not much of a dick anymore to me, I think I can handle it.  Just gonna keep at a safe distance, is all.  We'll be working in the same building when he moves down here - which could prove interesting.  We'll see what happens.

  • Dash has been coaxing out my kinkier side.  It's been a hell of a lot of fun.  I'm discovering parts of my personality that I never knew existed...

Well, that's all I've got for now.  More... in a couple of months, most likely? :P  
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Faster than... a fast thing?

Holy shit how things fly when they go well.

Hubby and Red are in a relationship now.  Red has effectively moved in with us.  My jealousy issues have calmed down a bit - mostly in part to Red being so darn sweet and friendly, and also due to the fact that Red and I have shared Hubby in intimate ways at the same time.  (I mean, how can you not bond over that kind of stuff?)  And Hubby... he's actually feeling compersion for me and Boy.  He's HAPPY for me.  For the first time in... well, ever, when it comes to my polyamorous nature recently.

We're gonna try to find a house together - Red, Hubby, Boy, and myself.  I'm scared and excited all at the same time.  It could be awesome.  It could blow up in all our faces.  But the fact that the four of us have spent a fair amount of time together and things have remained relatively drama free (although I do hate it when Hubby and Boy gang up on me and pick on me...), well, that seems to point to things being good, and that the four of us could live together.

Oh!  And Christmas went very well - Red and Boy did end up staying overnight, and the four of us cooked Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas breakfast.  Plus, I got to meet Boy's mom and younger brother.  All in all, the holidays were very good to me.

M is still trying to be all buddy-buddy with me, and... pries a lot when it comes to my relationships with Boy/Husband/Red.  I think it boggles his mind how we could all care about each other, to varying degrees, and want to live together as a family.  Ah well.
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It's been a while.

My goodness, how things have changed.

Husband now has a girlfriend of his own.  Which is one of the most surprising things to happen in the past couple... well, years.  (I'll call her Red.  I can't think of anything better at this point.)  I'm still... still dealing with feelings related to the whole Husband/Red thing. I like Red a lot, a hell of a lot, but... Husband does everything he hated that I would do when I was with M, and more.  He'll disappear with Red for hours sometimes, and not respond when I ask where he is.  On their first date, they went out to dinner and Husband didn't come home until 3 am.  This weekend, he spent the night at Red's house last night (while I stayed with Boy), and when I got home around noon, Hubby said "I'll be home soon"... and didn't show up until 5:30.  I don't like how he's behaving lately, but I'm trying not to let it get to me.

Things with Boy are going well, though.  Incredibly well.  Which is very good.

M is apparently moving to Bloomington next summer, and thinks we are going to be BFFs.  (Yes, he and I are talking again.  No, I don't talk to him much.)  Considering he's still banned from entering my apartment, and considering he still irritates me with his behavior in person... yeah.  No.  Not going to happen.

I think this Christmas is going to be interesting.  If all works out well, Red and Boy are going to come stay the night with Hubby and I.  Not sure how sleeping arrangements will work, but still.  When the four of us are together, everything feels good.  It feels right.  And to spend Christmas with them... it'd be wonderful.  Better than any Christmas present I could ask for.