Words on a Page

the thoughts that lurk below the surface

red corset
In a couple days, Hubby, Red, Dash, and I are finally moving into that townhouse. There are some financial frustrations that have me pissed off, mostly due to Hubby and Red not having money for rent/bills, but no amount of yelling/etc will make it better.

Dash and I have been together for six months today. And in a week, it'll have been a year since we first met. It's crazy, thinking about where we are today, and how when we met at GenCon last year and kept running into each other we had no idea what the future had in store for us. It's kinda mind boggling. And amazing. Neither of us ever thought we'd find someone who fit us so well...

One last Boy story, and then hopefully there will be nothing else about him here: Boy recently moved to Wisconsin. The day before he moved, I'm guessing, I come home to a package leaning by my front door - a book carefully wrapped in bubble wrap. I open it up - and it's a copy of a Patrick Rothfuss book I'd been wanting. And it's signed. And there's a note inside from Boy, saying he'd been meaning to get this to me in March or May (which was after we broke up, so either way would have been stupidly awkward), but since he was moving, he couldn't hold off any longer. He reminded me he loves me one last time, and you have no idea how frustrated I am with the fact that he just cannot get over me. It's been six months. The fact that he's now living out of state makes me feel so much better.

Going to see Ash at GenCon. Not sure how I feel about this - part of me is excited to see someone from my undergrad days again, since it's been about four or five years since I've seen any of my undergrad friends. However, Ash also falls into the "crazy/emotionally abusive ex boyfriend" category, and while he's decidedly less crazy and abusive, there's still that history. You just can't erase the fact that he tried to literally toss me out of his dorm room once, or that he only called me "woman" or "bitch" for an entire month. Dash is all "I don't get why you even keep people who treated you like that in your life". I'm not sure why either - but honestly, he hasn't done anything dickish to me since he started talking to me again, so I feel as long as I keep him at arm's length, I'll be okay.

Will say this - I'd much rather run into Ash at GenCon than Boy.

The pieces keep falling together
pinup scooter 2
Dash is moving in with us (hubby, Red, and myself) in a couple of weeks. And in just under 2 months, we're going to move to a bigger place. And so what if Dash and I have only been together just over four months? It feels right. It feels incredibly right.

Dash even got a new scooter a month or two ago, we all go riding together. And when I'm feeling depressed or anxious, Dash is right there, understanding what's going on in my head, because he's so very much like me. I never thought I'd actually like being with someone so similar to me, personality wise. I figured if I ever did find that someone, we'd annoy the shit out of each other within a week. But no- our similarities just made it easier to fall in love, and let us skip right past the "learn about my partner's personality" stage and get right to the fun stuff.

Boy still tries to contact me. I've blocked him everywhere - so he took to emailing me. Thank the gods for email filters.

M is now officially working in my office building. He hounds me about drinking too much coffee, that it exacerbates my anxiety. I told him he's full of it. I don't think he took it well. I don't care.

Having a somewhat anxious night, though. No idea why, just riding it out on my own...
Tags: , , , ,

Really horrible at updating this thing.
red corset
Bulleted list time.  Because... yeah.  A lot has happened in the past three months.

  • Broke up with Boy.  Which is a long story in and of itself.

    • Remember how I said we were going to live together, Hubby, Red, Boy, and I? Well, there were quite a few red flags popping up once we made that decision. He didn't take part in the actual process of finding a house. And when we did find one we liked, well, he didn't even come look at it with Hubby, Red, and I. When we said "yeah, we're gonna sign a lease" he said he didn't have time to go when we did, and to just "sign it without me, I'll go sign it later." That shot up a huge red flag, especially considering the week before he'd told me that he hadn't even signed the lease on his current apartment. That, combined with the fact that he wasn't even partaking in the house hunting process, frustrated the fuck out of me. And all that, in conjunction with some habits of his that I doubted would go over well with the other two, led to me saying "maybe we should find different living situations". And that's where shit fell apart.

    • We spent a week arguing.  AN ENTIRE WEEK.  He kept trying to convince me to let him live with us, kept spewing passive-aggressive barbs at me aimed specifically to make me feel bad.  Not gonna slog through chat logs and stuff to pull it all out, but he pretty much said he didn't believe that I trusted him at all (where really, I just wasn't sure this was going to be a good living situation and decided I'd avoid future frustrations), along with a bunch of other hurtful things.  Then pulled a 180 out of nowhere and said "oh I do believe you trust me now", and a bunch of other stuff.  It was an incredibly frustrating and hurtful week, that ended with he and I breaking up.

    • Which led to him posting many many depressing Facebook statuses about me, including one on Valentines Day about a ring he thought about buying me, a recent one about how the sound of scooters going by the house makes him depressed, etc.  That last one was when I decided "no, I can't have him on my friends list on Facebook anymore" and hid him.  Unfriending him outright would probably have made shit worse.  He's been trying to get me to spend time with him, even attempted to get me to come over to his house with the promise of a "surprise", but I'm not comfortable with going over to his house without backup from Red or Hubby.

    • So, yes.  tl;dr - Relationship explosion.

  • While I was in the process of dealing with a relationship explosion with Boy... someone else came into my life.  Well, not so much came into my life as I chased him down at GenCon for a picture last year, then found him on OK Cupid in December, where we then proceeded to talk a lot, then I met him for coffee in January, then watched ponies together a few days later, and we then proceeded to fall very, very hard for each other.  I'll call him Dash.  Dash was not quite sure how he felt about my polyamorous status when we started thinking "hey, maybe we could date" - but he decided that he wanted to give things a try.  I was still dating Boy at the time, and I didn't think I could handle having three significant others, but... something about Dash made me want to try.  Hard.  And I'm glad I did - because holy lord are we compatible for each other.  We're practically clones, personality-wise.  I could go on and on about him, but I'll save it for another entry.  But yes, we fell hard and fast for each other.

  • Hubby actually LIKES Dash.  And considers him a friend.  And considers him FAMILY.  How freaking perfect is this?  The four of us - Hubby, Red, Dash, and I, we all fit together like pieces of a puzzle.  It's almost unbelievable.

  • M is going to be living in the same town as me much sooner than next summer, once they find someone to replace him at his job.  Considering he's not much of a dick anymore to me, I think I can handle it.  Just gonna keep at a safe distance, is all.  We'll be working in the same building when he moves down here - which could prove interesting.  We'll see what happens.

  • Dash has been coaxing out my kinkier side.  It's been a hell of a lot of fun.  I'm discovering parts of my personality that I never knew existed...

Well, that's all I've got for now.  More... in a couple of months, most likely? :P  

Faster than... a fast thing?
Pinup 2
Holy shit how things fly when they go well.

Hubby and Red are in a relationship now.  Red has effectively moved in with us.  My jealousy issues have calmed down a bit - mostly in part to Red being so darn sweet and friendly, and also due to the fact that Red and I have shared Hubby in intimate ways at the same time.  (I mean, how can you not bond over that kind of stuff?)  And Hubby... he's actually feeling compersion for me and Boy.  He's HAPPY for me.  For the first time in... well, ever, when it comes to my polyamorous nature recently.

We're gonna try to find a house together - Red, Hubby, Boy, and myself.  I'm scared and excited all at the same time.  It could be awesome.  It could blow up in all our faces.  But the fact that the four of us have spent a fair amount of time together and things have remained relatively drama free (although I do hate it when Hubby and Boy gang up on me and pick on me...), well, that seems to point to things being good, and that the four of us could live together.

Oh!  And Christmas went very well - Red and Boy did end up staying overnight, and the four of us cooked Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas breakfast.  Plus, I got to meet Boy's mom and younger brother.  All in all, the holidays were very good to me.

M is still trying to be all buddy-buddy with me, and... pries a lot when it comes to my relationships with Boy/Husband/Red.  I think it boggles his mind how we could all care about each other, to varying degrees, and want to live together as a family.  Ah well.

It's been a while.
red corset
My goodness, how things have changed.

Husband now has a girlfriend of his own.  Which is one of the most surprising things to happen in the past couple... well, years.  (I'll call her Red.  I can't think of anything better at this point.)  I'm still... still dealing with feelings related to the whole Husband/Red thing. I like Red a lot, a hell of a lot, but... Husband does everything he hated that I would do when I was with M, and more.  He'll disappear with Red for hours sometimes, and not respond when I ask where he is.  On their first date, they went out to dinner and Husband didn't come home until 3 am.  This weekend, he spent the night at Red's house last night (while I stayed with Boy), and when I got home around noon, Hubby said "I'll be home soon"... and didn't show up until 5:30.  I don't like how he's behaving lately, but I'm trying not to let it get to me.

Things with Boy are going well, though.  Incredibly well.  Which is very good.

M is apparently moving to Bloomington next summer, and thinks we are going to be BFFs.  (Yes, he and I are talking again.  No, I don't talk to him much.)  Considering he's still banned from entering my apartment, and considering he still irritates me with his behavior in person... yeah.  No.  Not going to happen.

I think this Christmas is going to be interesting.  If all works out well, Red and Boy are going to come stay the night with Hubby and I.  Not sure how sleeping arrangements will work, but still.  When the four of us are together, everything feels good.  It feels right.  And to spend Christmas with them... it'd be wonderful.  Better than any Christmas present I could ask for.
Tags: , , , ,

Good things.
pinup scooter 2
Life is full of lots of good things lately.

Had a great time at GenCon with Husband and Boy - Husband actually started conversations with Boy a couple of times!  There were no explosions, the worst things that happened were a bad anxiety attack, constantly running into F (who you may or may not remember from a previous post - I was pretty stupid over this guy back in March, until I realized just how nuts he is), and getting chased after by a herd of bronies, so I consider it a raging success.  (Husband even paid for Boy's breakfasts.  All of them.  Wow.)  Didn't end up seeing Ash - which may or may not be a good thing.  His soon-to-be ex wife moves out tomorrow.  He's not handling it terribly well.  Half-worried he'll latch onto me as soon as she leaves, and I will have none of that, let me tell you.  He had his chance.  I'll be his friend - but not his rebound girl.  Besides.  Husband said he'd divorce me if I ever went back to Ash.  I'm pretty sure I'd divorce me if I went back to him.

Things since GenCon have been pretty awesome too.  Husband got a new scooter, I got a new bike, and everyone's been pretty happy, for the most part.  Sure there're ups and downs.  Husband had a bad dream the other night that left him in an emotionally wobbly state all day.  Boy tends to have troubles on Wednesday night when his roommates host a D&D game he's not invited to.  I still get anxiety crap for no reason.  But other than that?

I feel ridiculously lucky.  And loved.  Very loved.

Cooler heads are prevailing again
pinup scooter
Now that I've calmed down a fair bit, and have no desire to spend an entire entry rambling about how angry M makes me, here I am.  Sorry for the angry rant last weekend.  It needed to get out.

Anyhow.  I spent most of the last week working (or avoiding work), plotting things for GenCon (Husband, Boy, and I are sharing a hotel room - will be interesting to see how things play out there!), painting tiny things, and enjoying the hell out of life.  Last week was definitely a good week.  This week promises more of the same, although it'll also be much busier than last week - to which I say, bring it on.  Lots of things to take care of at work, a convention, and the potential for seeing a close friend of mine (who's also an ex boyfriend, but that is a long story for another time) whom I'll refer to as Ash here.  Ash is currently at the very beginning of what promises to be a rough divorce, and some friends invited him to tag along to GenCon - I'm trying to convince him to do the same, as it'll be good for him to get out of the area and lose himself in nerdery for four days.  Plus, it'll be nice to see him in person, as I haven't physically occupied space with him since 2010.  (I mean, I have seen him, but Skype isn't quite the same, now, is it?)

Anyhow.  Should really get ready for work, instead of banging away at the keyboard while my coffee cools and Husband sleeps.

Time well spent.
red corset
Ended up spending the afternoon doing painting-related stuff with Husband and Boy - Boy educated me in the fine arts of painting minis, and Husband worked on repainting one of my Nerf guns for my steampunk costume for a convention we're going to soon.  It was... peaceful.  And enjoyable.  And, amazingly, did not feel strained at all.  It was great.  I know this won't happen often, but I'll take what I can get.

Other than that, it's been a pretty quiet day.  Listened to a close friend rant (his wife's leaving him), painted, went out to a chinese buffet for dinner.  Good stuff.
Tags: , ,

red corset
An open letter to MCollapse )
Tags: ,

Back home.
pinup scooter 2
Vacation was much needed, and I returned home yesterday mostly relaxed (the 15 hour car-ride wore off some of my vacation zen-mode) and ready to deal with stuff back here again.

Read through pretty much the equivalent of three books while on vacation - devoured the last bit of The Wise Man's Fear, and then tore through the first two books of the His Dark Materials trilogy and made it halfway through the third before my tablet died on the way back home.  Also crafted a lot.  And bought too much wine, and enjoyed a lot of delicious food, listened to a lot of '60s music, and got way too much sun.  Nothing is as obnoxious as a sunburn on your tits, believe me.  Woke up yesterday in a fair bit of pain - and also realized we didn't have quite everything needed to make coffee.  I ended up asking Boy if he had coffee making stuff, and he made me a pot of coffee while I rode my scooter over.  (Good gods I missed riding so much.)  Ended up chugging a mug of coffee and snuggling him in the brief amount of time I had before the appointment I had to go to.  Husband was in a great mood when I got home, probably from post-vacation high.  And probably from being thrilled to finally be out of a car and to get some sleep.  Ended up at Boy's again for game night, only to find out I was the only one to show up - so we sat around, talked, sang show tunes to each other, and he made me dinner.  Yesterday was a very good day.

Woke up this morning to find out apparently "getting serious", in M-speak, means "I have a girlfriend but am too chickenshit to tell you directly".  Whatever.  I feel ready to distance myself from him, anyway.  There's no need for me to even attempt to cling to friendship with him.  It's like any addiction - had to wean myself off him slowly until I was ready to just completely let go.  And I've hit that point.  I think the collar buried at the bottom of my desk drawer will be relocated elsewhere - possibly the very bottom of one of my boxes of mementos.  Or into a trash can.  I haven't decided.

Suppose I should finish my coffee and do something a little more productive than sitting in front of a computer, bitching about an ex-boyfriend.


Log in